


No More Hiding

by thesassykels66



Category: Phandom, dan and phil
Genre: 2010 Phan, 2012 Phan, 2017 Phan, Phan Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-23 18:43:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10725024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesassykels66/pseuds/thesassykels66
Summary: When Dan and Phil's secret notebook consisting of only the words "I love You" gets filled, they evaluate and reminisce over the times they've scribbled into an old tattered notebook. But instead of replacing it, they decide with a compromise and even a new phrase to tell each other.





	No More Hiding

They had said it many times before. Although the first technical time was over Skype hundreds of miles away from each other, it seemed like a safety blanket to say over a screen than to their actual face. But Phil's new place in Manchester wasn't feeling like home, so Dan invited himself over when he was finally living close enough in Uni halls. Playing Donkey Kong and Tomb Raider until the late hours of the night. Dan was so entranced by the screen of the gameplay that he was able to finally feel like himself in the comfort of Phil. Phil had tapped out on playing, but he still enjoyed watching him. Even just being in the same room as him was enough to calm the unsettling nerves of living alone. "I love you" he whispered, making Dan stutter something and regain focus towards Phil.

"What did you say?"

"Oh nothing... I just love you. That's all." 

He wasn't able to finish his level that night, his butterflies made his hands tremble and his smile never ending. 

It wasn't until Dan started to stay over so much that he technically never stayed in his halls. Bringing all his course work with him most nights just to have comfort of home while he studied. Phil always made him tea and covered his shoulders with a blanket as his eyes slowly got heavier and heavier. Soon to be found the next morning face flat on a naked sheet of a fresh new page. It always made Phil chuckle seeing him still in his apartment when he shouldn't have been. 

Dan eventually had to ground himself from seeing Phil so much when exams were on the horizon. Locked in his moldy and damp dorm room he studied and studied, until he got bored and made videos about Pom Bears, attacking and venturing around his room. When the stab of stress pelted his stomach he panicked, realizing that his due dates were sooner than he thought. When he opened his notebook to a brand new page there was a small black scribble in the top right hand corner, **_I love you_** as all it said. Dan immediately blushed and his brain went to mush. He could no longer have the attention span to study with his heart thumping so loudly.

The next time he went over to Phil's he brought the notebook with him. Setting it down on his glass coffee table he replied to Phil's black scribble with a red scrawl of _I love you._ When Phil saw what he was doing, he grabbed a pen from the drawer and joined.   
_I love you **I love you**_ _I love you_ ** _I love you_**

It became a habit and also a secret. Growing in popularity online it was the only thing they felt like they were able to keep to themselves. It was always open, and always in hands reach. When they decided to move to London it was the first priority that they had an eye on the black covered notebook curling at the ends at all times. The first box landed in the apartment and the current busy page was open, signing into the new flat with an  _ **I love you**  _ _I love you._

When they were writing their book they almost forgot about the notebook at times. It still was around the house but often ignored because of deadlines and other stories they were bringing to life with words. When the final copy of their book had been delivered it was a time for tears and relief. The only thing they could do was to scribble _I love you_ ** _I love you_  **over and over again until they gained the confidence to look inside the book for the first time, and to recreate the first moments of receiving it for film purposes. 

They eventually had lost count after 12,956 "I love You"s. The notebook Dan had kept was filled, every line on every page, even in the margins held a scribble of "I love you" in a variety of ink. They took it with them everywhere they went and said it was an idea notebook; that no eyes should see it besides theirs. After long dreadful days they would see it on the coffee table, on the counter, in the kitchen, even in the bathroom at one point. Opening it up for just a tiny scribble of _I love you_ _ **I love you**_ to remain for eternity inked in pages of a hand-me-down 100 page College Ruled notebook that Dan had kept from his Law Degree days. 

They had said it was a metaphor, for all the times they wanted to say "I love you" but couldn't. Whether it was out and about, at a YouTube gathering, meeting a fan, even on tour, it was bottled and kept in the pages of the notebook. "Maybe we should upgrade, and start a shared Google Doc." Phil had mentioned packing for the US tour. Being three months away from home was a long stretch, he wasn't sure he was ready. "I just don't want it to get lost."

  
"It won't get lost." Dan retorted from the next room over. "I've kept it for this long without losing it right?"

  
On the days they would say it, it was as sweet as candy floss dripping from between their lips.  Sometimes the words changed to be discreet: "Buy more milk" "watch out for the lamppost" "don't get shot" "please be careful next time" the words mirrored a phrase that was so catchy it blended into everything they ever did.

  
"I spent a majority of 2016 with another person, Dan Howell." Was what broke an internal bound that was only being shared between them. No more mirrored meanings, no more stress of having to force themselves to sit up straight and monitor their every move. That drew the line of their secret meanings, and Phil was ready for it. 

  
"Phil Lester everyone!" Dan claimed as Phil stumbled off the stage, rattling the new plaque in his hands. Dan touched his back which lit Phil's skin on fire, he couldn't believe that solid moment had just happened, for the entire world to see. Declaring their love for each other in a way no one would have expected. "I love you." was the only thing Dan could manage out of his lips.

  
"I love you too!" His voice quivered as Phil gave Dan a hug behind curtains in the dim lighting. Stagehands and other guests admiring the expression being told within the darkness.

  
By Christmas there was a relaxed state that lifted everything off their shoulders. Their idea of "gamingmas" was going to be tricky but the skeleton up their backs decided to be a bit more loose. No more heavy projects, no more dancing, no more stress of the feeling they should hide it. They started to bring the notebook with them to film their gaming videos, and it instantly improved their gameplay and bants with each other. Soon as they turned the camera off they picked up their pens like it was checking off a box:    
**_I love you_** _I love you_

The year of 2016 had been a busy one out of the recent years. Many memories shared along with photos and pages upon pages of "I love you"s written only in ink. They knew the end of the line was near, but it took them by surprise, "The notebook is full!" Phil gasped from the next room over, boxes scattered across the carpet.

  
"No it's not. Surely we still have room left." They reminisced; flipping through page after page of _I love you **I love you** __I love you_

  
"What are we going to do?" Phil's eyes widened as he dropped the aged notebook on the bed. Landing next to his suitcase.

  
"Nothing changes Phil. I love you. We can fill a thousand notebooks and nothing will change that. Things are working out for us. We don't have to hide anymore. This shows that." He picked up the notebook and flipped through the pages once more with his thumbs. Sleep deprived Phil stands before him, hands at his sides and face looking at the floor. Dan pulls him in, "I love you." He whimpered.

  
"I love you too." He buried his face into his shoulder.

  
"Can't wait to go to Singapore tomorrow."

  
It was at the airport when it struck him in the chest. Gone through security with no problems and no fan sightings. They made it to their first class lounge, literally dropping into cushioned seats away from everyone else. Phil sighed and looked out the window to his left. The sun still rising over the horizon. Bringing an indigo glow across his cheeks. Knowing that some tiny part of him was missing. He watched a plane land and another take off in the distance. His glasses reflecting the light of the early morning as he escaped a yawn.

  
"My god." Dan mumbled. "I'm so in love with you."

  
"What?" He looked over at the end of his yawn. Dan's stomach flipped. He inched closer to him.

 

"Nothing. Nothing." He giggled.

  
"No, what?"

  
His cheeks grew as pink as the morning sky. "I-I'm just in love with you. That's all." 

  
Phil's smile grew three times wider than it should have. "Really?"

  
"Well yeah. What, you think I'm just going to write those three words over and over for years, say it to you many times and not mean it?" He rolled his eyes.

  
"No. I got that. It's just... That you're in love with me."

 

"Of course..." he cocked his head to the side, "what you on about?"

  
"Nothing nothing!" He mirrored his chuckle. It was clearly too early to manage sentences correctly. "I'm in love with you too Dan Howell."

  
His tummy was bubbling. "Stop saying my name like that." He whined that wasn't necessarily a whine. The space between them grew quiet, listening to the sounds of a busy airport. Men in suits on their phones, families going on vacation, some others speaking Mandarin, but Dan and Phil sat silently. Playing with each other's fingers as the time passed. Reminiscing as if it was like the first time yet again. 

  
When boarding the plane they couldn't stop smiling. They found their seats and plopped themselves into them. The hostess brought them warm face towels and a selection of drinks to choose from in the early morning. When the drinks were delivered Phil passed Dan a napkin, **_I'm in love with you_**   Was written in black ink into the stitching.  
_I'm in love with you_ Dan had replied with the same pen. Giggling before he was even remotely tipsy.

  
"I'm going to let the whole world know that I'm in love with you. And I don't care what they think." Phil whispered over his shoulder. Dan nearly falling asleep already with a smile on his face.

"How are you going to do that?" He yawned, placing his chin into the crevice of his palm.

  
With his phone in hand he got a photo of Dan looking out the window, "just like that". He said as he passed Dan the phone; bright light slipping in through the plane window and Dan nearly just a shaded figure shaped by his nose, eye lashes, and the curve of his lips. He smiled and laid his head against Phil's shoulder as the plane started to reverse. 

  
Over the duration of a week were photos of each other taken by each other. Silhouettes, glittery lights, aquariums, vast scenery with minimal descriptions. Drifting eyes and wanderous minds and yet so beautiful were those photos. The best way to look at a portrait with no story needed. Just the overall look of what being in love is like. And how in love they were with each other.


End file.
